enough?

enough?
10/2014

Enough: defined as “adequate for the want or need, sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire; from Sanskrit:  “he reaches”.

In school it never worked to define a word with a synonym;

Why should Webster get away with it?

Sufficient is the same nebulous shape-shifter as

Enough.

The idea of both these concepts is totally dependent upon the speakers context and perspective. They are completely relative!

“Enough to drink”,

“Enough pressure”,

“Enough money”,

“Enough children”.

Enough defines personal boundaries,

malleable dependent on environmental,

social or temporal constructs.

“Enough is when I am comfortable”,

“Enough is when I feel safe”.

Enough:  the line dividing satiety and desire.

It may be clearly demarcated or hidden like an underground gas line

(call before digging).

Enough: a tightrope, a call for balance, focus and moderation.

Not too much (wouldn’t want to over-indulge), but just

Enough (enjoy a taste).

Enough: indicative of constant striving, unattainable standards. Once 
Enough money has been amassed for a  desired item, it is spent and the cycle of acquiring

Enough recommences; there can never be

Enough. So many instances of

Enough follow this “tail chasing” pattern. The crux of the struggle,

Enough; begs further dissection and definition.

What is good

Enough?  Good

Enough: having wants and needs met?  being happy?

Happy! another hopelessly elusive term.

Happy has wiggled and slithered from the grip of every theologian, philosopher,

who has tried to confine it (let alone me).

“Different for everyone”, a “you know it when your see it” sort of emotional state;

coming and going of its own will. When I have

Enough I will be happy; true?

Not so fast; what are the terms of this arrangement?

Like an algebraic equation with two balanced parts x+y= happy.

If  x=

Enough and y=of what, the mystery of Happy could be solved.

Yet... it involves so many more variables.

There is x=

Enough, sure, but really y= the permutation of of an infinite number of variables coming together in a very particular way.

The revised equation is more likely x+y∞=happy. As infinity is not a constant for more than a finite nanosecond (if there is such a thing);

the possible permutations of

Enough become innumerable.

Herein lies the obvious, anticlimactic, tedium:  

There is no magic,

No mathematical formula to calculate these variables,

Happiness is much simpler than this.

The truth; only discovered with scrutiny of the words in the very instances

in which they exist.

Moments, memories, snippets of time, and now...
an answer is emerging.

Happiness is found in the state of

"enoughness" in this present moment.

Enough... in this breath, if only this breath.

What I have, what I am is

Enough

in this breath...

and …

I suppose…

This breath

..inhale…

It will do for the next breath too.

Pushing ink across the lines on this page I am

good enough,

pretty enough,

funny enough,

smart enough,

organized enough,

healthy enough,

rested enough,

intentional en-- “breathe through mental nay saying”,

-ough,

kind enough,

generous enough to ...

inhale again,

believing for just this instant it is all  true.

This is it.

This is the work, the striving,  
attempting to string these moments together.

Make them touch without any black holes sucking
the life out of the spaces in between.

There must be faith, ritual and routine

stretching between the dark places until the next moment of

Enough.

Lately the burden feels intolerable.

The bridge spanning these spaces appears to be in disrepair,

it  is ominously creaking. The paint chipping from my own neglect,  

Is the bridge still intact? Am I worthy of the crossing? 
If I lay down my load and crawl 
perhaps? 
But my things 
may fall into the abyss!

“God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is,
and tomorrow is cast into the oven,
shall He, not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?”

With a breath of faith, presence and clarity I re-balance;

Enough and happy will tag team me with the blessed assurance the ever-present

Bridge is strong

Enough for now...and for...inhale

Now

...exhale...

and….

wait for it…

now.

Fifteen minutes from now 
I may need reminding, but now I am

enough,

as is,

for this very moment.

Solid with certainly for the next breath

my chair will support me,

my hand will keep writing,

my eyes will keep reading,

the sun will be shining.

I am ok and it is

Enough.

Moreover, I am filled with gratitude;

not for what I have in relation to another person or group

but because I am

Enough

in this time and place

for me.

Whether or not anyone ever knows

or cares about this moment,

I am stringing together breath by breath,

pearls of gratitude, in this state of

"Enoughness",

creating happiness one strand at a time.