Day 15: Move; Self Depreication Won't Get You Moving (Five Minute Free Write 2/14/2016
The alarm on my phone has rang for the fourth time. There is a steaming cup of coffee beckoning me from the IKEA three legged table next to my bed. For cheap plywood it bears the weight of eight books and the lamp surprisingly well. I am made of tougher stuff than plywood but there was no step-by-step assembly for my design. God in his infinite wisdom and as a consequence of human mismanagement allowed some sway, some kinks perhaps in the design.
The weight of my own inadequacy; my own special brand of ordinary leaves me sunk between the pillows. Now here they come..rank on rank. I feel the beat of the bass drum as the parade of self deprecating thoughts approach. This morning the band plays this particular well rehearsed number.
"Would you be able to get to work on time if instead of the alarm it was a screaming baby."
"Stop trying already your body isn't even able to conceive of conception".
"Go play with other people's kids isn't it enough you teach them how to talk".
"You are too old"
"You are too messy"
"You are too emotional"
"You are too undisciplined for motherhood.
"Get up already your first student will be waiting."
"You continue to disappoint"
At my movement an excited golden retriever comes to life, the contents of my rickety table swim in a puddle of coffee muddy rivulets quickly seeping into the carpet.
In the bathroom the release of tears as I contend with the bright red evidence of another failed cycle another disappointing attempt. In a junk drawer are the leftover bolts and screws from my cheap self-assemble furniture. Somewhere God must have a tucked away a ziplock bag with all my missing parts and pieces. More likely He is waiting for me to trust the "great designer" and fully immerse myself in the "user's manual".
The weight of my own inadequacy; my own special brand of ordinary leaves me sunk between the pillows. Now here they come..rank on rank. I feel the beat of the bass drum as the parade of self deprecating thoughts approach. This morning the band plays this particular well rehearsed number.
"Would you be able to get to work on time if instead of the alarm it was a screaming baby."
"Stop trying already your body isn't even able to conceive of conception".
"Go play with other people's kids isn't it enough you teach them how to talk".
"You are too old"
"You are too messy"
"You are too emotional"
"You are too undisciplined for motherhood.
"Get up already your first student will be waiting."
"You continue to disappoint"
At my movement an excited golden retriever comes to life, the contents of my rickety table swim in a puddle of coffee muddy rivulets quickly seeping into the carpet.
In the bathroom the release of tears as I contend with the bright red evidence of another failed cycle another disappointing attempt. In a junk drawer are the leftover bolts and screws from my cheap self-assemble furniture. Somewhere God must have a tucked away a ziplock bag with all my missing parts and pieces. More likely He is waiting for me to trust the "great designer" and fully immerse myself in the "user's manual".
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